Perfectionism, binge eating, & shame in depression::part 2

davaun tamar photography::model::joe nicoletti

"Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough." Brené Brown

Allow me to paint a picture for you. It's midnight and here I am standing, staring at the 7/11 brand pints of ice cream, in the most shady beachside 7/11 you can imagine, where only the most shady people hang around, and the most shady happenings are occurring around me. But I didn't care, I was on a mission. A mission most certainly not from God. 

All I could hear in my head was Radiohead's Creep "What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here." But I didn't care, really. I walked around the store for at least 20minutes, accessing my drug of choice for the night. I wasn't in a 7/11, I was at my drug dealers house. I walked up to the cashier who had a pentagram tattooed on his bald head, and 666 tattooed on his neck, he asked me,

"Where are you from? You sound like you have an accent, you're not from around here, are you?"

I just stared at him and said "What?" (I was still in too much shock from how much I just spent on a bag of shitty food)

"You're not from around here, are you?"

"Yea, I live up the street."

"...Oh."

Now leave me the frick alone so I can get out of here before I get jumped.

I thought to myself. Feeling guilty and wishing I was there to talk to him about how much Jesus loves him, but couldn't, because I was too wrapped up in shame.

I got on my bike, got into my room, and inhaled $30 worth of 7/11 brand crack cocaine.

Then the wave of guilt. Then the finger down my throat. I had to puke it up, at least try to.

You see, I'm allergic to: dairy, gluten, nightshades, & I am pre-diabetic. 

So I'm not wanting to throw this up because I don't want to get fat, I'm wanting to throw it up because I can feel how sick it's already making me, and I know the next morning how sick I will feel. My body actually aches anytime I eat gluten, dairy, or nightshades.

I remember saying to my therapist a couple months ago

"I feel like somebody is abusing me,….and its myself."

The picture I just painted, it is the epitome of shame for me. I don't believe in junk food.

I'm passionate about eating healthy, and taking care of our bodies. I love cooking and healthy food, and this person, binging on donuts and cake and taco bell? I don't know who this girl is.

It not only makes me feel like a hypocrite, but it makes me feel like I have zero control, and that scares me. I have dug through the trash to get a piece of cake, and I think to myself, what am I doing?! Children of the most high God do not dig through trash, I know my identity! I know who I am! What on earth am I doing!? What is wrong with me? Jesus died so I don't have to dig through trash! *enter the christian guilt trip*

I remember around twelve years old, being able to out eat everyone and anyone around me. It was a challenge I would gladly take you up on. 

But I remember thinking to myself "how come nobody else can eat as much food as I can?" My relationship with food has always been unhealthy and unbalanced.

It was used to self-medicate, not to nourish.

I believe I developed food allergies and got sick because of all of the shame and self-hate tied to binging. 

I can go long periods of time without binging, but when I do, its always a spiral of no self control for at a least a few months, and then I gain weight, so I have to get on a diet to put a stop to it. Its a vicious cycle.

This is why I love and admire the Paleo community. Its not about a diet, but about eating whole, healthy foods for a lifetime and empowering each other to realize this is normal, and people ate this way for all of time, before the agricultural revolution. 

But I digress. 

The other night I ate 4 donuts, 4 bagels and a tub of cream cheese all in 20 minutes flat.

If this disgusts you to know this about me, I really don't care anymore. I'm tired of allowing shame from food to control me.

The truth is? right now, me and food don't' have the best relationship, and I'm writing this down to be honest about it.

I know one day we will be best friends, and I will be able to say "Remember when we were enemies? I'm glad that is over, you beautiful meal you."

Maybe I'll never be healed from my food sensitivities or allergies, but I know that one day, I will be completely at peace with food, I am on my way and I am so thankful for the people in my life to help me do this. Who knows, maybe one day I will be a world renown chef, because life is funny that way. 

Part 3

More info on binge eating here:

 What is binge eating?